1
00:00:02,700 --> 00:00:04,800
I cannot believe
what happened to my house.

2
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:07,500
Let's just get the pictures
for the insurance and get out.

3
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,400
All right, how should I pose?

4
00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:11,800
I don't think you should
be in the pictures at all.

5
00:00:12,100 --> 00:00:14,000
Michael, I'm an actor.

6
00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:17,800
If I use my powers to convey how upset
I am, they'll give me more money.

7
00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:19,500
I just... I need a sec, okay?

8
00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:21,900
Here, here, right here.

9
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:27,600
Why?
No, that's my bad side. Here.

10
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,100
Why?

11
00:00:30,700 --> 00:00:31,800
Do you hear something?

12
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:36,000
Who the hell is in my house, huh?
I got a rifle and a broad sexual appetite.

13
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,800
Jimmy. What are you doing here?

14
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,900
Oh, you know, I lost my apartment.
And I figured I'd crash here a while.

15
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,700
In my burned-out house? That's crazy.

16
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,700
It ain't so bad.
I'm used to the smell now.

17
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:51,500
And after I made an example out of the big
one, the raccoons finally respect me.

18
00:00:51,600 --> 00:00:54,900
- Okay, so my dad's a squatter?
- I gotta hear this from my kid?

19
00:00:54,900 --> 00:00:59,500
My entire life people have been labeling me,
huh? Squatter, dropout, chubby-chaser.

20
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:00,500
I say to each his own.

21
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:04,100
Except for high Episcopalians.
You're either Catholic or shut up.

22
00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:07,100
Okay, look, Jimmy, you can't stay here.

23
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,400
I got no place else to go, Joe.

24
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:13,000
Have you thought about moving in
with my mom? She'd probably like that.

25
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,800
- That's not a bad idea.
- All right, it's a big step...

26
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,900
...but let me give it some thought.
- Okay, great. All right.

27
00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:22,100
- Let's take the rest of those pictures.
- Right.

28
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:24,700
Would you mind lying in the ashes
like you're dead...

29
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:28,300
...while I cry out in anger and pain?
- Oh, so they pay you more? Sure, yeah.

30
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,200
- Why?
- That was the one. You get it?

31
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,000
- Well, no...
- Unbelievable.

32
00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:02,400
Oh, right this way, Edie.

33
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,700
I'll be just a second.

34
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:08,100
Oh, my God, is that Edie Phillips
in your office? I'm such a huge fan.

35
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,500
I know. She's the perfect actress.

36
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:14,600
Critics love her, and so do
trashy pinheads like you.

37
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:16,900
I know. Joey's on his way up.

38
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,500
Oh, good. I'm gonna
set him up with Edie.

39
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,900
Oh, really?
I always heard she was a lesbian.

40
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:24,100
Do not say that out loud.

41
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,400
She has a huge romantic comedy
coming out.

42
00:02:26,500 --> 00:02:29,000
- The public needs to think she's straight.
- Okay.

43
00:02:29,100 --> 00:02:33,400
So I don't want to hear you calling her
the L word or the M word or the G word.

44
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,100
I don't wanna hear about how she VZs.

45
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,300
And I don't wanna see any pictures
of her R-ing some girl's O...

46
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:42,600
...while some H K's in the background.

47
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:45,600
Okay, okay.
So you want Joey to be her beard?

48
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:46,800
Exactly.

49
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,700
Good luck convincing people.
Everyone knows she's gay.

50
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:53,200
Hey, I got your message.
Edie Phillips wants to sleep with me.

51
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:56,500
Joey, I think you misunderstood
my message.

52
00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:00,500
All right, Edie doesn't go out
with men that often.

53
00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:04,000
Been a bit of a dry spell, huh?

54
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,500
Well, tonight's forecast
calls for heavy doing it...

55
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:09,700
...with a strong chance of more doing it
over the weekend.

56
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:13,700
Hey, by the way, any network bites
on my treatment for <i>Sexy Weatherman?</i>

57
00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:16,100
Joey, I don't think you're hearing me.

58
00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:19,300
It's not just that she doesn't date men.

59
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:24,100
Edie H's J's.

60
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,400
It's a little weird for a straight girl,
but I'll roll with it.

61
00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,200
- Oh, my God, Edie Phillips.
- Hi, Joey. Thanks for doing this.

62
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:36,400
And I trust you'll be discreet about it.

63
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:41,400
- Let me ask, are you also?
- Oh, yeah.

64
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,500
So I've arranged your date tonight,
and I've alerted the press.

65
00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,900
I'll walk you out, Edie.

66
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:54,600
Make sure Joey knows what's going on.

67
00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:56,200
What does she mean?

68
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,800
You know how you think
you're gonna sleep with Edie?

69
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,200
Oh, yeah.

70
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,100
You're right.

71
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,200
Oh, my God. Would you look at this?

72
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:11,700
It's so embarrassing.

73
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:15,600
The woman I'm going out with tonight
is on the cover of <i>People</i> magazine.

74
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:18,300
- Edie Phillips?
- That's right.

75
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:22,400
Do I feel a jealous front moving in
with scattered showers of regret?

76
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,200
Seriously, talk to Bobbie...

77
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,400
<i>... Sexy Weatherman</i> is the next
<i>Desperate Housewives. </i>

78
00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:31,300
I'm sorry, but isn't Edie Phillips
supposed...?

79
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:32,500
Yep.

80
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,700
- And Joey doesn't...?
- No.

81
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,400
I was in charge of telling him.
I have failed to do so.

82
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:45,900
Hey, Joe-Joe. Gina, there you are.

83
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:48,300
- I've been wanting to talk to you.
- What's up?

84
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:52,300
Look, things have been going real good
between us, you know.

85
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,400
And maybe I don't come out and say it
as often as I should...

86
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,300
...but you make me happy in ways
that sometimes I don't deserve.

87
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:02,800
What the hell? Do I barge into
your private moments and make noises?

88
00:05:02,900 --> 00:05:06,000
- No, that was nice, I...
- This is between us. Look at the table.

89
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,700
- Jimmy, she was... Okay.
- You too, table.

90
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:13,900
Anyway, I just feel so lucky
to have found you after all these years.

91
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:17,500
And I figured that maybe we could
take the next step and move in together.

92
00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,400
- Jimmy, I would love that.
- Yeah, it'd be good. You know, I mean...

93
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:23,800
...you're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

94
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,900
What? The table did something
that made me sad.

95
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:40,100
- So me and Gina moving in, huh?
- I'm proud of you, man. This is huge.

96
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:43,200
Yeah, it's the biggest thing
we've ever done together.

97
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:46,800
Are you gonna make it about you?
Like the other night:

98
00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,200
"Give me some dessert. Sing me a song. "

99
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,400
It was my birthday.

100
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:55,200
All right, here we are.

101
00:05:55,300 --> 00:05:59,400
All right. Jeez, I don't know why
she lives in this neighborhood.

102
00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:02,700
I mean, look at this veteran hooker.
Not interested.

103
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:07,600
Hey, Gina.

104
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:09,200
Welcome home, honey.

105
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:11,300
Okay, thanks for the ride, guys.

106
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:12,500
- See you later.
- Yeah.

107
00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:14,800
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

108
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:18,900
- Come on. Let's start our new life together.
- Let's do it right now.

109
00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:25,500
All right, let's get out of here.
This is disgusting.

110
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:28,400
No, no. They rolled underneath the truck.

111
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:37,000
- So your parents are finally living together.
- Yeah, I know, it's cool.

112
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,400
I wonder what they're doing.
Maybe making dinner...

113
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:43,000
...or dancing to their favorite song.
- I can't take it anymore!

114
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,000
- What the hell's going on?
- That woman is impossible.

115
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:49,100
- I can't make it work.
- It's been like seven minutes.

116
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:52,000
I tried, Joey. God knows I tried.

117
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:56,700
- We got green lights all the way home.
- I'm willing to make this work...

118
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:58,500
...but relationship is about compromise.

119
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,200
Did you make it inside her house?

120
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:03,300
No, the fight happened outside,
all right?

121
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,500
Nobody tells me I carry my bag weird.

122
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,900
What? Table.

123
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:14,100
Are you crazy? Look at the table.

124
00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:29,100
Come here, handsome.

125
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,600
Finally. I mean, you paid
no attention to me in the limo.

126
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:37,400
When I leaned across you to get that bottle,
I put my butt right in your face.

127
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:41,500
Could you close the curtains?

128
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:46,200
Oh, what are you doing?

129
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:50,200
- What we were doing before.
- Well, we don't need to do that now.

130
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,200
Well, we don't need to do it,
but we wanna do it.

131
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:58,700
Thank you.

132
00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:00,300
Thanks again for doing this.

133
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,900
Oh, please, spending the night
with a beautiful woman.

134
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:05,800
- What's better than that?
- Not much.

135
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,200
- Okay, please stop doing that.
- Why?

136
00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:24,100
Okay, let me just see something here.

137
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,000
Okay.

138
00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:42,000
Now, I don't have this
completely figured out...

139
00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:44,200
...but I think when you were
very, very young...

140
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:46,900
...a curtain did something to you.

141
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:54,100
Look, Joey, was Bobbie clear
about what we're doing here tonight?

142
00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:55,700
What do you mean?

143
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,800
Going out with you is a publicity stunt.

144
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:02,400
I don't have sex with men.

145
00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:05,700
Oh, my God.

146
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:08,200
So you only H J's.

147
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,000
And to think,
I put cologne on my M for nothing.

148
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:20,400
Wow, this is odd for me.
I'm out to dinner with a beautiful woman...

149
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:22,800
...and there's only a chance
we'll end up in bed.

150
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:25,400
- No chance.
- Really?

151
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,200
You must be very gay.

152
00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:30,800
Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

153
00:09:30,900 --> 00:09:33,200
Why do you need to pretend
to be on a date with me?

154
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:35,000
Well, I'm in the public eye.

155
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,200
It's important that I maintain
a certain image.

156
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,000
Bobbie told me the same thing, yeah.

157
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:44,400
That's why I'm not allowed to answer
questions about race relations anymore.

158
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,200
So we've got a night out together.
What do you wanna talk about?

159
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,300
Well, I don't know.

160
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,800
Well, we're both actors. We could
talk about that. Did you, like, study?

161
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:57,200
No, I just make it up as I go along.
I memorize some of my lines.

162
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,500
Whenever I don't know what to do,
I just put on this big fake smile...

163
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,900
...and America finds it appealing.

164
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,400
Oh, hey, I got a go-to move also.

165
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:08,800
It's this devil-may-care smirk.

166
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:14,600
The last TV pilot I did,
test audiences found it smack-face-y.

167
00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:17,000
- See? This is fun.
- Yeah.

168
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:20,900
Okay, so just to be clear.
We'll hang out, have a nice dinner.

169
00:10:20,900 --> 00:10:23,300
When the cameras are around,
you'll make out with me?

170
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,000
- That's right.
- Okay.

171
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:31,600
Hey. Celebrities over here.

172
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,600
Damn paparazzi, huh?

173
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,200
Hey. How was the weather
for your date last night?

174
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:44,700
I heard there was a low sex-front
moving in and it was unseasonably lesbian.

175
00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:47,700
Oh, great, so Gina told everyone?

176
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,400
Yep. Did you two have a gay old time?

177
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,000
I will have you know
that even though I'm just her beard...

178
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:57,800
...Edie and I had a great time.
We had a lot in common.

179
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,100
She'll be here any minute to pick me up
for a full day of bearding.

180
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:04,300
- Beard is not a verb, Joey.
- Neither is television or cake...

181
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:08,400
...but I use them all the time.
Michael, cake me, I'm gonna television.

182
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,700
Hi, guys. What's for dinner?

183
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,400
- Jimmy, I thought you left.
- Oh, I did...

184
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,500
...but me and Gina had another fight.
I needed to cool off.

185
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,300
I'm really glad you made me do this.

186
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,700
This living with Gina thing
is working out great.

187
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,800
Is it?

188
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,800
Yeah, you know, we've really
taken things to the next level.

189
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:33,800
Okay, let me ask you something.
You like living with Gina, huh?

190
00:11:33,900 --> 00:11:35,700
- How many days you been together?
- Two.

191
00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:37,900
- How many nights here?
- Two. Get to the point...

192
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,700
...before the skinny chick's eyes
bore a hole in my towel.

193
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,900
Skinny.

194
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,300
Oh, there's that noise again.

195
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,500
- Hey, honey.
- Oh, hey, baby doll.

196
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:51,600
- In your rage, you forgot your toothbrush.
- Oh, thank you, honey.

197
00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:54,100
- You coming home tonight?
- No, I'm gonna crash here.

198
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,500
- Sounds good. See you tomorrow?
- Maybe the next day.

199
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,000
- I love living with you.
- I love living with you.

200
00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:02,200
- You are not living together!
- What are you talking about?

201
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:04,700
You're living here,
and you, you're living there.

202
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:09,800
When people live together,
they live to... One, two... Gether.

203
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:12,500
You need to live in the same place.

204
00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:15,000
Okay? Maybe over at Gina's.
Go there now.

205
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,800
- Fine.
- Okay.

206
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,000
- Jim, Jimbo.
- Yeah.

207
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,700
- Aren't you gonna put some clothes on?
- Oh, no, I came like this. I was real angry.

208
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:32,500
Hey, Bobbie. Sorry we're late.
We went to Chinatown.

209
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,100
Then we did some bearding
at the Dodgers game.

210
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:36,400
It was great.
They put us on the JumboTron.

211
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:40,300
This one, straight as an arrow, huh?
She's kissing me...

212
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,100
...talking about
the pitcher's hot body, huh?

213
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,500
And, hey, nice touch
using the women's bathroom.

214
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:52,800
So tomorrow night, Joey's going to the
Independent Movie Awards with me, right?

215
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,800
Yeah, here are your tickets.

216
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,800
You are the best beard ever.
And I've had Matthew McConaughey.

217
00:12:57,900 --> 00:13:01,200
- Oh, I hear he's good.
- Bye, Joey. Bye, Bobbie.

218
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,200
- See you.
- Bye-bye.

219
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:03,600
She is the best.

220
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:06,700
Can you see what kind of flowers she likes?
I wanna bring her some.

221
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,900
On Wednesday,
we're not booked for anything.

222
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:12,000
- I was thinking we should go to the beach.
- The beach?

223
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,500
Flowers?

224
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:15,300
Joey, what's going on here?

225
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,900
I like her. I feel like
we're becoming friends. What?

226
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,600
This beard thing
is strictly a business arrangement.

227
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,500
Come on, you know the rules.

228
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,300
Never let her out of your sight...

229
00:13:24,300 --> 00:13:27,900
...never let your guard down,
and never fall in love.

230
00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:30,900
Isn't that from the movie
<i>The Bodyguard?</i>

231
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:32,800
Oh, come on. Don't mess this up.

232
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:35,800
This arrangement is working out great
for everybody.

233
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,300
I mean, people are starting to think
that both of you are straight.

234
00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:41,300
Bobbie, I am straight.

235
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:44,200
"Bobbie, I am straight. "

236
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,800
Come on. Can you hear yourself?

237
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,200
Thanks, Michael. I wanna look perfect
for Edie. This is a big night.

238
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,700
- You really care about this woman.
- Yeah.

239
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,200
It's amazing when you take
sex out of the equation...

240
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:04,000
...how quickly you can make a connection
with someone on a deeper level.

241
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:08,000
That's why I always avoid taking it to a
sexual place with any of my female friends.

242
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:14,700
- I almost couldn't even get it out.
- I know.

243
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:17,900
I can't do this.

244
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:20,600
Your sister's crazy.
The situation is untenable.

245
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,700
- But, Jim...
- The situation is untenable.

246
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:26,100
- Jimmy, Jimmy.
- Gina's driving me nuts.

247
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,200
I had to get away. I can't stand
to look at that bastard's face.

248
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:33,600
Oh, here's the bastard's face.
Look at it! Look at it!

249
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:34,800
What are you doing here?

250
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,500
- Getting away from you.
- I'm here getting away from you.

251
00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:39,300
- I'll take Joey's room.
- I'll take Michael's room.

252
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:40,900
Stop!

253
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:45,900
Look, this relationship is never gonna work
if every time you guys have a problem...

254
00:14:45,900 --> 00:14:47,300
...you run away from each other.

255
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,600
You need to look each other in the eye
and talk it out.

256
00:14:50,700 --> 00:14:52,900
- I don't wanna talk to him.
- Get her away.

257
00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:55,700
- They look like two magnets.
- Michael, be quiet. Table.

258
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:58,500
Hey, nobody "tables" my son.
His metaphor is apt.

259
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,900
- No, you two are working this out.
- Stop it.

260
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:05,000
- Get her away.
- No. Hey, okay, fine, go in there.

261
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,400
You're staying in there
till you work this out. Talk.

262
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:10,300
You think you can keep us in here?
We'll go through the window.

263
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:13,000
Oh, sure, go out the window,
not the front door, you idiot.

264
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:16,900
- You're calling me an idiot?
- No, I'm talking to the other idiot.

265
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:26,300
Welcome back.

266
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,200
I don't know why I'm nervous.
I'm not gonna win.

267
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:32,700
Of course you are. Hey, now,
when you thank me in your speech...

268
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:34,800
...I was gonna go for a fake cry.

269
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:37,100
Now, do you want
just a subtle welling up, like:

270
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,300
Or do you want more of a:

271
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,900
- You wanna cry for me?
- Well, someone should.

272
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:48,400
You should be sharing this with someone
you're in a real relationship with.

273
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:50,300
You don't think I want that?

274
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:54,100
I think it's crazy that you feel the need
to bring a fake boyfriend to this...

275
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:56,800
...but if I am here,
I'm gonna give you what you deserve.

276
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,400
That's very sweet.

277
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:02,300
I actually don't think
I'm gonna mention anybody by name.

278
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,100
But if I win, just know you've been great.

279
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:10,400
And the award for best supporting actress
goes to Edie Phillips.

280
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:13,600
My girlfriend. My girlfriend.

281
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:20,600
What a rush. We are gonna have
some heterosexual sex tonight.

282
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,400
Wow, this is such an honor.

283
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:27,600
I wanna thank everyone
involved in the film.

284
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:31,500
My fellow actors, the fabulous crew.

285
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:34,600
And, wow, I wasn't going to do this...

286
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:39,400
...but I need to acknowledge someone
who's very special to me by name.

287
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:44,200
I haven't known you long,
but you've really touched my life.

288
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,400
I mean, this award is also yours.

289
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:48,000
Please stand up...

290
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:52,400
...the love of my life,
Miss Barbara Switzer.

291
00:16:55,500 --> 00:17:01,100
Okay, let's hear it
for my girlfriend's lesbian soul mate.

292
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,700
Tonight was so exciting.
I feel like there's a weight off my chest.

293
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:13,400
Yeah. So are you so excited about
coming out that you might consider...?

294
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,300
Sleeping with you? Are you kidding?

295
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:18,200
I had to ask.

296
00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,400
- So is that a...?
- It's a no, Joey.

297
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,300
I had to take a shot.

298
00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:30,800
So are we still on
for that benefit Saturday?

299
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:36,200
I don't think so. I mean, after tonight,
Barbara can do that stuff with me.

300
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:40,700
So no more you and me out on the town?

301
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:43,400
Well, I just don't need
a beard anymore.

302
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:47,900
I'm sorry, Joey. But I do appreciate
everything you've done.

303
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:54,600
I understand. It was always
a professional arrangement, you know?

304
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,700
You know what?
I'm happy for you guys.

305
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,900
Hey, how about a little champagne, huh?

306
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,500
Nothing?

307
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,500
- Hey.
- Hey.

308
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:13,800
I saw the awards show.
So the secret's out.

309
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,400
- Yeah.
- What's the matter?

310
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,900
- I thought you wanted her to do that.
- Well, I did...

311
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:20,800
...but then after, she told me
she didn't need a beard anymore.

312
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,200
She shaved me, Alex.

313
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:25,700
I'm sorry.

314
00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:28,500
This whole thing
was such a waste of time.

315
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:32,200
I don't know. It's actually kind of nice
to see you have feelings for a woman...

316
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:33,900
...when sex isn't Involved.

317
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,600
It suggests, dare I say, emotional depth.

318
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:42,400
- Great, kick me while I'm down.
- No, that's a good thing.

319
00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:46,700
Sensitive men are very... appealing.

320
00:18:48,900 --> 00:18:50,500
Are we?

321
00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:54,400
Well...

322
00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:59,600
If I could add sensitivity to my other
already well-documented gifts...

323
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:03,200
...I could be really impossible to resist.

324
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,000
Could be.

325
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,400
Maybe you should think about that.

326
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:14,100
Maybe I will.

327
00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:24,100
I think we're done.

328
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,400
We're too tired to fight anymore.

329
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:27,900
Okay, great.

330
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:31,500
But before I send you guys home,
let me test something.

331
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:34,600
Gina, look at that stupid shirt
Jimmy's wearing.

332
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,100
You look like a moron.

333
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:40,300
Jimmy, you gonna take that from her?

334
00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:43,400
I'm gonna kill you, you bitch.

335
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:48,300
Hey, you did it.
You've worked through your problems.

336
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:51,700
- You're right.
- This is huge for us.

337
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:54,200
God, is it possible
that I feel even closer to you?

338
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:57,400
Is it possible
that I want you even more?

339
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:07,200
I'll kill you, you bitch.

340
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:12,200
- What?
- No?

341
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,300
How does he pull that off?